The back story on my boys

When I found out I was pregnant with my first son Bryan, I was like most first time moms! nervous, excited, and anxious! My pregnancy was textbook, I was very healthy and so was Bryan. I had a medicated birth with a midwife in July of 2015. It was rough, I labored at home for two full days before finally giving up and going to the hospital ( I was trying to have him unmedicated at home). Maybe two days after having him my baby blues set in, I was feeling terribly overwhelmed.. my nipples were cracked and bleeding, my belly was covered in stretch marks, and I was moving four hundred and fifty miles just a few days later! When I got home all I could do was cry, I kept thinking to myself ‘ how am I going to do this, how am I going to take care of this little human’ . Long story short, I was dangerously overwhelmed! Just a few months later, I fell pregnant with my second son, Anthony. I was still battling my postpartum depression from my pregnancy with Bryan. This is where things started to get very hard for me. I had horrible morning sickness, I was utterly exhausted, and I was experiencing extreme guilt! I felt SO guilty for becoming pregnant. I felt like baby Bry was not going to get the love and attention that he needed. I felt guilty because I knew once I gave birth to my second son, Bryan would no longer get all of my attention. I felt so guilty because a part of me just wanted it to be me and JUST baby Bry. Well nine months later, I gave birth to my beautiful son Anthony, whom I instantly fell in love with ( something I did not experience with baby Bry). Anthony was born septic, he was put into the nicu just a few hours after he was born. This is when my guilt got almost unbearable. I was having to stay at the hospital to nurse Ant, while my husband Bryan and baby Bry were at home going about their normal lives. Normal life for baby Bry was his daily routine with me while big Bry worked. I felt so terrible, so guilty that I could barely bare to see Baby Bry. I wanted so bad to just go home with him and to go about our normal daily routine… and thats when my postpartum depression started for the second time. I remember sitting in the nicu nursing Anthony just crying because I knew baby Bry was wondering where I was, he was so used to being showered in affection by me! It was just him and I day in and day out. After five days in the nicu, Ant got to come home! I was a nervous wreck. I was so paranoid that baby Bry wouldn’t be gentle with Ant, I was petrified, on my toes 24/7! I asked my husband Bryan, to take seven days off of work so I could try to get adjusted, well I told him it was for me to get adjusted.. honestly I was just scared shitless to be left alone with both of our babies. I did not feel capable of taking care of them. I seriously felt like I could not do it. I cannot describe the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when we brought Ant home, and I realized that these babies were my responsibility. I was honestly lost, lost in my own home, lost in my own brain, lost in my own body. The days were long but the weeks flew by. By the time I was two months postpartum with Anthony, I wasn’t so much scared about caring for my children anymore, I realized quickly that I can handle that task.. The next task to tackle was my self acceptance, which to me was just as important as caring for my children, because if I am not healthy my children will not be either, right ? As you guys saw on my instagram post, my belly was mangled… covered in deep stretch marks.. but what you don’t see is that my breasts are covered as well, my thighs, my hips, my legs.. everything! and now it might seem like I am complaining.. because I kind of am, and before you jump the gun and tell me how blessed I am to have had kids, and before you start listing other scenarios of how much worse this could have been, just take a minute and see if you can relate to this.. If you can just relate that feeling you get in your gut when you take off your clothes in your bathroom and just stare blankly at what you see in the mirror. I was a stranger in my own body.. I did not know this body, I did not know these marks.. I was lost.. I didn’t know where to begin, I didn’t know how to accept these flaws. Todays society makes physical appearance so important. Ultimately what I HAD to understand was that whats on the outside is not as important as what is on the inside. My mother always told me ‘ Never judge a book by its cover’. What I had to do was start from my inside and work my way out. I started with my mind, I started reaching out to other moms like me and relating to them. Sharing pics of our bellies and talking about how we feel. Then, I started wearing just my sports bra and undies around my house, I took the time out of my days to look in the mirror and cry. I took the time to connect my feelings towards my stretch marks, saggy and stretched breasts and stretch marked legs, to the two people I love most in this world. I would look at my sons and feel so blessed, I would feel so proud to be their mom. After months of work I have begun to feel proud of these marks, I feel blessed carry these scars on my body. I feel honored to be the mother of my two sons.. I feel honored to be covered in marks that todays society call ‘flawed’ and ‘ugly’

Thanks for reading, I’m looking forward to hearing from you guys

– Aleximg_5087

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7 thoughts on “The back story on my boys

  1. THANK YOU! No one really talks about the dark side of pregnancy and after birth. Your instagram pic and this blog sheds some light. And it honestly is an inspiration for me personally. My baby girl is 5 months and I’ve been battling with PPD and ashamed of my body and stretch marks literally everywhere you mentioned. You insta post and reading this blog made me cry cause of how close to home it hit. Thank you again!

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    1. Hey Jenn,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to sit and read my story. I am so happy you have been able to relate to it. Sometimes all it takes to feel a little bit better is to know you aren’t alone. Thank you for reaching out.

      Alex

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  2. Thank you Alex for sharing your story! I am a pregnant first time mom but reading this post, I can still somehow anticipate relating to you in many ways. My husband has a demanding work schedule, I stay at home for now but I struggle with marjor depressive disorder and anxiety, and am VERY worried about living in a foreign body postpartum. I already struggle with not LOVING my body enough before I was pregnant. Body image is such a huge thing in our society and being perfect and I absolutely hate it! Another thing I deal with is me choosing not to breastfeed because I chose to stay on my meds to be a healthy mama. I deal with the guilt already and I’m only 5 months. I worry about postpartum and postpartum OCD. I worry about not having help. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Hi Rachelle,
      Thank you so much for reaching out ❤ I, just like you had a hard time loving myself before children also, I just want to say that I am more loving of myself now than I have ever been. My Husband also has a very demanding work schedule, he typically works between 12 and 14 hours a day sometimes seven days a week. It is literally just me and my boys at home all the time! When I had my first son, it took me a while to adjust to the new schedule that comes along with being a mom! But trust me when I say everything will fall into place. Your choice not to breastfeed, to take your meds to stay healthy for your baby is not a bad choice, in my opinion it is brave ❤ see, you are already a great mom! When you have your babe, if you are feeling down, please do NOT face it alone! Call your doctor, reach out to me, reach out to your husband, your girlfriends, your mom, anyone ❤ I can't wait to hear from you again! sending you hugs from Florida ❤ ❤

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