A Mothers Guilt

 

You know when you’re pregnant, and everyone wants to share their advice or their stories with you?  When other moms start telling you what the worst part for them was and what the best part was? The ongoing conversations about what to definitely expect? Well one thing that I hadn’t ever had a conversation about was mom guilt. Now that I have two babies I feel it double, all the time!

My mom guilt started as soon as I laid eyes on my first son Bryan. I felt guilty about every decision I made, as a first time mom at the time, I was unsure if I was even making the right decisions for him. In the beginning I felt pressured to listen to mothers with experience. So, to all the mamma’s who are doubting themselves, whether it be you are approaching your due date or just getting settled in with your little one, just know that just because another mother has an opinion does not mean you should feel obligated to follow their lead. You see, what it boils down to is I am a passive person. I couldn’t help but to feel a little guilty for not following every suggestion I received. With time, I settled in and realized, there is no one way to be a mother. I was constantly second guessing myself, I was torn between what I had been told to do and what my heart was nudging me to do. In hindsight, I would tell my first time mother self to always follow her heart. Now that I have two little ones I like to think I know a little bit about momming. Besides following your heart is just much less stressful.

The most mom guilt I have ever felt in my life was the day I went into labor with my second son. My first son was just 13 months old. I went into labor around ten in the morning, I remember my contractions starting and thinking to myself ‘oh my god, these are going to be my last few hours alone with Bryan’. So, I took him outside to play, then we played in the bath tub, then I rocked him to sleep on our rocking chair for nap time like I had done for his whole life. I remember crying and feeling so sad while I was rocking him, I knew that would be the last time I would put him to sleep just him and I. My contractions were about eight minutes apart at that point. I carried him back to bed, notified everyone that I was in labor and was getting ready to go to the hospital. My son woke up right before we left for the hospital, I remember kneeling down and giving him the biggest hug, and kiss. I just didn’t want to let him go I wanted to just stay in that moment. I couldn’t think about how painful or how close my contractions were.. all I could concentrate on was how guilty I felt for having another baby so soon. I felt so guilty because I could no longer give all of my attention to Bryan. I remember bringing Anthony home to meet baby Bryan for the first time, I was flooded with so many emotions. I felt an enormous amount of guilt because Bryan wanted all my lovins, and I couldn’t give them to him. I felt guilty because baby Bry only knew me to be his, I just felt guilty because I didn’t think I was capable of loving them both equally.

Fast forward, almost six months later! My mom guilt is completely different now. Today, I feel guilty for not getting baby Bry to the park.. I feel guilty for feeding him mac and cheese three days in a row for lunch.. I feel guilty for nursing my son Anthony almost all day and night. I feel guilty for raising my voice at Bryan for every little thing he does somedays..

I feel guilty for letting Anthony cry for five or ten minutes straight, just so I can love on Bry for a few minutes. I feel guilty because I don’t get Anthony on his tummy for tummy time as often as I should. I feel guilty because I’m two weeks late on his five month check up !

I’m telling you, I could sit here and list probably hundreds of things that I have mom guilt over.. I tell my mom all the time how I am feeling.. she tells me, still to this day she feels the mom guilt, about things she wishes she would have done with my siblings and I, and about things she wishes she didn’t do.. What I am really trying to say here is, I think the mom guilt is normal.. that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you think you could be doing better, it’s normal. When you just feel like crying because you feel like you have no idea what your even doing at all, that’s normal too! This mom guilt is okay to feel, it’s a feeling I will probably never get used to.. It’s one of my least favorite parts about motherhood.. But I know that I feel this guilt so deeply because I love my children so much, and I want to give them the best of me every single day.. I want them to have the best of everything.. I’m a work in progress, I am not perfect, I am learning how to be the best mom for my children every single day. I feel mom guilt multiple times a day, every day… and I bet you I’ll never stop feeling it. I am preparing myself for that ❤

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