I am hesitant to write about this, because for some reason people think that because you have depression you can’t be a good mom or a good person in general! I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember… I am a loving mother, a grateful wife, a supportive sister and a decent daughter.
Depression is different for everyone, it’s not a one size fits all kind-of-thing. Tasks as small as brushing your teeth and hair can feel almost impossible. Changing out of your pajamas can seem like the most uncomplicated thing to do for most people. But for me, some days, it feels almost undoable. It comes in waves, I could be on top of the world for a few weeks.. then before I know it, I literally feel like everything around me is just crashing down, or falling apart.
Before I became a mother, I would spend days locked in my bedroom..Not eating at all, or binge eating. Not showering.. barely even using the bathroom at all. I spent a lot of time wondering what my purpose on this planet even was.. I felt lost most of the time, and constantly caught myself wondering ” what is wrong with me, why do I feel this way”.
Now that I’m a mom, I have a sole purpose to survive. My children have chosen me to guide them through this life. There is no time spent alone(which I love). There is no time to lock myself away for days (which I’m grateful for). I’ve got two best friends who love me almost as much as I do them (my son’s). I have the reasons now that I’ve always needed to get up and get going. My kids are everything to me and I will never let my depression get in the way of loving them, protecting them, being available to them and providing for them. With that being said.. I still get hit by these massive waves of depression.. I still feel these feelings.. the only difference now, is that I don’t let them consume me..
When I met my husband, I was a mess. I truly believe he was sent to me exactly when I needed him!
My husband is the first person other than my mom, dad, sister and brother who I’ve completely been my full self with. I share all my thoughts, dreams, and feelings with him.. I have since day one. He knows how my brain works, he understands me on an emotional level. Which is SO important. It’s crutial to have a partner who knows depression doesn’t define you, it doesn’t make you less of a person, it doesn’t make you weak, it’s not laziness, it’s not “all in your head”, it’s not a call for attention, it is not made up..
To the husband with a depressed wife,
Understand that it has nothing to do with you, you are everything. Understand that feeling like this is out of our control.. if we could, we would choose to never feel all these feelings.. remember that even when we are raging, or completely silent, that we still love you. Remember, all the times you’ve remained patient with us will never be forgotten. Just know, that we know loving us can be difficult at times, and we wish you never had to deal with these awful bouts of depression. We will love you forever for fighting through these waves of emotions with us and for understanding that we aren’t broken, even though we might feel like we are..
But, it is a part of who I am. It is the reason I love so hard and feel so deep. Depression is the worst and some of the best parts of me. I find strength and comfort in the fact that no matter how down I feel or get, I always get myself back up and back on track, and I hope you can find the strength to do the same.
Until next time,